fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
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the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
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Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
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