I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Randomize
