I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
