Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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