Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
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