wrigley field is MILF paradise
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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