Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
