Sober January is a disaster.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
