My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Randomize
