Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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