went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
