I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
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