Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
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had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
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I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.