The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
