I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
