my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
