She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
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