When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
