This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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