My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
