Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
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did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
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I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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