Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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