Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
