I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
