Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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