we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
