I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
