Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
