I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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