I'm lost and stupid without you.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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