a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
But we have bathrooms and they dont
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