I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
