Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
