Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
