...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
