ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
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There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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