I never want to see another naked old woman again.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
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