i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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