This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
