I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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