im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
