Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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