While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
