If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
