I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
