Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
