about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
