The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
splinters make it hard to masturbate
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
