so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
why is half of my head shaved?
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