I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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