btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
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