I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
