The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
