He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
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Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
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I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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