I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
