God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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