I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
